the last semester: September 2005

My weird experience at the students lounge...

Ok, (this is crazy) But remember that guy i had the mad crush on, well.... I meet him at the students lounge the other day. Turns out he may not be what I had made him out to be in my head. Wow imagine, The thing that we make people out to be in our heads. It was kind of an ok experience. I didn't shy away I actually had a conversation with him. Got the vibe that either he was really nervous to talk to me or that he was just confused about the situation. Talked a lot about nothing. Made him laugh though. Sometime guys can present this macho persona. The things he told me were either to see how i would react or just trying to make really bad small talk. I don't know if we'll stumble upon each other like that again (I usually never go to the students lounge had no idea that i'd meet him there oh and for some weird reason we were the only people in there) but, I guess people come in to our lives for a reason. Don't really know what the reason for this is yet. Only time will tell. But the whole thing was good didn't commit myself to anything. I figure I talked to him and that's a start, awkward silences and all. He's still really cute though...oh and he's not as hard to talk to as I thought.

life

Ok so... life amases me in that whenever something major happens to me it's all in my head and once it's out of my head it dosn't really matter anymore. Once it is out then i can move on with the rest of my life no problems. Isn't it weird that the things we make up in our heads are so much more than the reality that surrounds us. Our perspective on the world means that throught our own colored glasses we see the world differently. Sometimes we can catch it and correct our views or sometimes it take an out side perspective to realize that the world is not as crazy as we like to think that it is. Maybe if I was more open then to getting peoples help and a little less self centered then maybe things won't be so bad. See that's my problem i rarely ask for others help, but when i do i realize that things are not as what they seem and in fact are better or worse depending on the situation. As one is about to take a new direction and we leave a part of ourselves behind. I know that once my semester is over at the university i will have grown in many ways that only time could create. I'm i better for my experiences here, Yes. Why? because without them there would be many people that i would have not gotten the chance to meet and situations that present themselves would not have happened. Like anything else, if you had taken a different turn your life would be different and what if questions would haunt you. In the past i've had to contend with the what if's. What i realized a long time ago that the moment is gone and there is no going back. I live by one mantra "let me do it now for i might not pass this way again." I would be proud to say that i live soley by this but in many case i don't. when i remember i do follow it when i don't then it ok beacause tomorrow is another day and it can't be that bad. The sun will rise in the west and set in the east and life will go on with no regrets.

mad

Ok this is kinda dumb, but I 've had this mad crush on this guy. Have dreams of marrying him and having his babies(in the future of course). The problem is that we had this class together over the summer and well... I think that i intimidate him... sad. When this happens i usually just forget the guy and move on to the next. Because if he's intimidated by me then what's the point. But for some reason I just can't forget him. he's smart and cute, the right age and height... He talked to me at the gas station the other day... he was running for president of this club at the university and he asked for my vote. (But this was after he asked if i was still at the university. He's seen me twice said hello to me once?!?! don't know what that was about) But of course i said yes i would vote for him...(But he seemed very excited that i would and for some weird reason shook my hand. Didn't know what to think of that...) Voted for him, he didn't win... oh well... but i just don't know how to talk to him...maybe i should just forget the whole thing... I could try and win him over but i don't think that i can... And i don't really have the motivation to (not really)... innocent crush really... it'll pass... Plus i dont think that he really likes me...
lol I feel just silly writing this but this is a great way of expressing my feelings with some anonymity cuz' if he ever found out it might freak him out plus i'd die of shame. But i just feel so stuck because i really don't know what to do... suggestions would be a plus here... anyone have any... There are so many guys in the world why do i have to be stuck on this one. It's just so crazy...I just don't know what to do...oh.. this is so dumb.

To one of the best people I know. In life we encounter walls. They stand in our way and we try and figure ways to jump across. Sometimes there are people waiting to push us down or trip us up as we try to make it past. Later we learn that it is only in trying that we find there are many paths out and it takes time. But eventually we make it across and when we do we see that the wall was not that big to begin with or we think how the hell did I cross that mountain... I know this because I've seen them and I've crossed them. Life is hard. Shit happens. Those cliches apply here. They suck but they do. In my experience negativeness springs from jelousy ignorance and the need to make you think that what you have done means nothing. In my life there are such persons that seems to present me with these things and in the end fuck 'em. I can only continue to live my life and that's that. I know what I have done, I've seen the rewards of my own hard work, they haven't. I'm not perfect and I don't claim to know everything but I've known of that feeling, that place and how you get there and I know it can get you down but sooner or later you will get what you want out of life. And when it hits you, grap it run with it and never look back.

babies

Why is that every one that I know is havin' a baby. Everyone! I was even cursed by my cousin that i was next!! ME have a baby? nooo. Not till i'm like 30 and have someone to actually procreate with. Until then, don't ask me when i'm going to have a baby! and if I am next the one after me will just have to wait longer. Because it's not going to happen right now. So there i had to get that out there and off my chest. now i can go on the rest of my day knowing that people know that i'm not going to have a baby right now. I mean i'm happy for those out there hav'n babies. It's great and wonderful and i hope they have lots more. but please don't ask me when i'll be hav'n one cuz ur just going to have to wait.